Why do I care for him the way I do?

The thought occurred unwanted as I make my way through the open door onto the small balcony in front of my little student's apartment.

He is sitting in front of the railing on the corner bench, his arms wrapped around his knees and his gaze lost somewhere in the far distance of the city.

I know he hears me approaching, but he doesn't react. I simply reach out and offer him a cup of coffee, while I gently lay my hand on his back.

Finally he looks up, accepts the cup with one hand, absently takes a sip and pulls me to his side with his other hand around my waist. He leans against me, simply pulling comfort from my presence.

"What's wrong Pete?" I ask.

"Everything - nothing…" He shrugs helplessly. "I just can't discuss my wretched love life with you."

I caress his brown, wavy hair and look into his hazel eyes. "You don't have to. But if you need somebody to talk to, I'm ready to listen. How often have you done the same thing for me?"

He shrugs. "That's different."

"Why? Because you're older, because you're a man, a cop and a priest and I'm just a little girl?" I snap and can't hide a certain amount of anger and hurt in my voice. Won't he ever see that I'm a grown woman. He flinches and then pulls me close for a second. Then he looks at me and puts the coffee down on the little table.

"You will always be my girl and you know that I trust you. But it's not easy for someone you always admired to admit that there are black spots on the hero's shining armour. And I messed up pretty badly…"

Then he's silent again. I pull my chair next to the bench, the armrest touching his knee and wait.

"You know," I offer, "I don't care about the dark spots, every one of us has some and there isn't much about you that I don't already know."

He snorts. "You can fill a book with everything you don't know about me!"

"That's what you think, Mister!mn Don't forget, I know your family, your friends and your colleagues. And everything you didn't tell me found its way through gossip channels."

He looks surprised and I take his hand. "And how often did I hear you cry out in those nightmares of yours…"
Tears appear in the corner of his eyes. "Yes, you know me", he whispers. "We've known each other for a very long time. And you still don't shy away from me."

I tremble inside, I fight for control. I want to reach out and comfort him until he has forgotten every pain caused by a woman in his life…but I must not. So I try to let a simple squeeze of his hand give him comfort and reassurance.

"Perhaps you need a woman's point of view, big brother!"

He gives me a poor lopsided grin. "And an impartial one…can you do that, Kel?"

"I can try, at least …."

He gatherers his strength, tries to decide where to begin:

"I think a dark spell has been cast about every relationship I've had in my life."

As I can't manage to suppress a slight reaction to this statement, he makes a soothing gesture.

"You know how they called me in the precinct as a reaction to the story my dad told them about my great-grand pop? Bed hopper…instead of Grasshopper," he glanced at me and continued.

"And it's true. I've had a fair share of superficial relationships. But I tried to give them a meaning, just every time, something went wrong. They couldn't cope with my job, with my enemies and with my hesitation to… let them...get close… to me."

He stutters and looks down before he explains: "To my heart…and my soul…"

I think of one woman I know he deeply cares for. "What about Jody?" I ask softly.

"Jody!" Peter exclaims. "I love her as much as I loved Kira!" He fights for control about his emotions. "But she looks exactly like her sister! Every time I hold her I feel Kira's murdered corpse in my arms again …. She's a living reminder that I failed her sister. Every woman who really loved me ended up dead or wounded! Just like all Caine women - left and dead!"

He gives in to his pain, hugs his knees, lays his head onto his hands and cries.

I can't stop myself. Before I am able to make a rational decision, my heart reacts to his pain and I sit down next to his knees. My whole body shakes as I battle with myself to reveal my most guarded secret to him. Perhaps he will never speak to me again, but I have to tell him, or else he will believe in this curse.

I pull him into my embrace. Then I lift his chin, so he has to look deep into my eyes.

"That is not true. I know a woman who has loved you with all her heart for a very long time and does live!"

He tries a little smile. "That's awfully nice of you. I know that Mom, Carolyn, and you love me, but that's not what I meant!"
I gather all my strength. "I know exactly what you mean. And I didn't refer to Carolyn or Mom."

Astonishment and uncertainty give way to curiosity in his gaze and I try to steady my voice.

"I love you. I loved you from the first moment I saw you, when you came into our house and smiled this brave little smile at me. When you are with me I feel as like we're complete and I kept hoping all the time that some day you might realize it…And if you feel the same way about me we could do something about it, something… more…"

His eyes are locked on mine, so intense as if he is trying to read my mind. He reaches out to me with all his senses, tries to understand what I just told him.

"But Kel, you're my sister!" he finally gasps.

"Foster sister!" I correct him. "We have no biological relationship! And as for the Caine curse: your ancestors were raised that way. They didn't know a family holding together in good or bad! You were raised a Blaisdell - and even though you cherish your father's teachings, you are not a pure Caine in your heart - or you wouldn't have cared about the family when Dad left. You would have searched your 'spiritual path' whether we liked it or not!"

I see my words sink into him; make sense to him, and I feel again this comforting warmth spread between us. And this time, I can tell from the look in his eyes, he feels it, too.

Suddenly everything makes sense to him. She is right. He is too caring a person to walk out of his family's lives to seek wisdom without recognizing how much they would suffer.

He had learned how important a family was to him. He never doubted for a second that Paul would return, like he shortly did, whereas his father was gone for half a year and he didn't know if he would ever see him again.

He looks deeply into her eyes and something happens. Something he never felt before. It is like a lost part of his soul is found and shifts into place.

He sees her loyalty and her unquestioning love for him in those eyes. It is like the emotions he feels every time his mom welcomes his dad. He had longed for these feelings, searched in so many women for the faintest hint of it and here she is
- right in front of him.

He reaches out with a trembling hand and caresses the side of her face, as if he is afraid that she will dissolve into mist.

"God, Paul will kill me!" he moans, and then he pulls her close and kisses her.

It feels like all my senses burst into flames. Peter kisses me! It is the softest, tenderest touch as he caresses my lips with his tongue. I don't give way, I'm too shy. When I open my eyes, which I failed to notice that I had closed to begin with, I see the look in his eyes I envied my mother every time my father took her in his arms.

"I don't think so!" I hear myself slowly say. "He knows that I've been in love with you for a very long time."

This takes him completely by surprise. I can tell by his reaction.

"Well, I think he kind of thought of it like a teenage crush. One evening, he saw me kiss your picture good night and then he got that look in his eyes, you know, like he found a piece of a puzzle."

Peter lets his feet down onto the floor and pulls me onto his lap, his arms around my waist.

"Kel, I don't want to rush things. I think I just discovered how much you mean to me and I don't want to lose you, neither to death nor to my unpredictable Caine-side."

"Let's get one thing straight," I hear myself say, "I will never be a Caine!"

Peter's jaw dropped in horror.

I silence him by putting my finger on his lips.

"I love you and I will be your wife, if you should ever ask me. But I will not take that name because of the pain everything connected to it gave you. If you will bestow me with the honour, you have to do it as a Blaisdell, that is the one and only condition I will ever give you."

Then I pull him close and kiss him again, this time not so shy.

Chapter 2

Two months have passed in which Peter and I explored the new side of our relationship, always careful to keep the old status quo in public.

We spent a lot of time together, he taught me Kung Fu and helped me with studies for my tests. It was like we were already living together - without one important aspect of marriage.

Mom certainly knew that something was going on. She asked me if I had a new relationship. I asked her to trust me and told her I would need a little bit more time to be sure.

When I had to do two weeks of on-site internship to meet the requirements for one of my classes, Peter went to the temple to straighten everything out for himself. I was quite distressed about this, but the love and tenderness in his eyes and the date for his return helped to ease my fears a bit.

He told me afterwards that he meditated a lot and had long talks with Lo Si about his future. Lo Si pointed out that there was a distinct possibility that Peter would not be the one to follow his father's path. From Matthew's three known sons only one did.

It was also there, where Peter learned that Mary Margaret had retired from the force and had given birth to his half-brother, Daniel.

Peter instantly visited her at her Mother's house. The look of disillusionment in her eyes and the baby in her arms was the last bit of knowledge he needed in order to make his decision.

He comforted Mary Margaret as much as he could and promised to care for her and the baby. His father's whereabouts remained uncertain. Peter felt anger rise in his chest. To trade the love of a real woman for a ghost-hunt! He came away disgusted, and returned to me.

It was that night he asked me to be his wife. He gave me a delicately crafted ring with an intertwined K and P, which I accepted willingly.

Remembering the one condition I had given him he said:

"I'll have to ask Mom and Dad for permission to marry you - and I will ask them to give me their name. You will remain a Blaisdell for the rest of your life - may it last forever!"

I sensed that he was bothered about something.

"What is it, love?" I gently asked.

He drew a deep breath. "I care about my brother and I'd like to offer to take him as my foster son if Mary Margaret isn't able to care for him."

"You wouldn't be the man I love, if you didn't!" I exclaimed and pulled his face down to mine with both hands.

Then he kissed me until I was breathless and all the stars started spinning.

Chapter 3

It's the moment I feared. Peter and I are sitting together in Dad's den. Mom and Dad are looking at us with a fair amount of uncertainty in their expressions.

Peter addresses them:

"Mom, Dad, I've made two very important decisions and I would like your permission and your blessing for both of them."

Dad's brows narrow, so that they seem to be only one. "And Kelly?" he nods in my direction, for it is unusual for one of their kids to join in the other one's confessions.

"I'll tell you in a minute, but I need her to hear this," he continues.

"As you very well know, I went to the Temple to decide how to live in the future. Lo Si and Kelly helped me a lot to see who and what I want to be."

"The ancient told me that Mary Margaret gave birth to my half-brother and that my father hasn't shown up or given even a hint of his whereabouts."

Dad grunts. "Did he know of the pregnancy when he left?"

Peter shakes his head. "She didn't tell him, but he has a way of knowing such things. I've seen him with his patients. He could sometimes tell that a woman was carrying twins when the doctors weren't able to tell for sure that she was pregnant!"

He clasps his hands and plays with his fingers. "This event and the fact that I found a woman I love more than my life let me come to the conclusion that I don't want to carry the name Caine any more."

He gets up and walks to his foster-parents. He kneels down before the sofa they are sitting on and takes their hands in his.

"Mom, Dad, I would like to ask you if you would honour me by adopting me and giving me your last name. Kelly made me realize that my heart is Blaisdell and I want to be properly acknowledged as your son."

Mom takes the hint at once. "Kelly made you realize?"

Peter swallows, gets up and pulls me to his side.

"Yes."

He looks deep into my eyes.

"She is the woman I love with all my heart."

He gestures to soothe his foster father before he can interrupt him.

"Hear me out, please?"
Paul and Annie nod encouragement.

He smiles as he looks down at me again. He almost whispers:

"It really took by surprise to realize that everything I've been searching for in a woman was right here, in Kelly. We spent a lot of time together during the last two months - not that I touched her in any way you wouldn't approve of!" He quickly assures them.

"I want her to be happy and I want her to be mine. Therefore I ask you to give me the hand of your daughter in marriage…"

Tension fills the air. Dad's instincts to protect his daughter battle his ultimate desire to keep his children happy.

His deep resonant voice fills the room with a dreadful question:

"And if I say no?"

It hangs in the air and I feel Peter stiffen, fighting to keep his emotions under control.

"Then I will accept this, even though I don't understand why. You always told me you love me and that you're proud of me. Why shouldn't I be a proper husband for your daughter if I you love and trust me?"

Peter and Dad are both shaking with emotions. Mom signals me to come to her. I kneel at her feet and she takes my face in her hands.

"We haven't heard what you have to say about this."

I swallow and tell her:

"I've loved Peter from the moment he entered this house. I tried to keep it a secret, but then, suddenly it was all out. I want to love him, I want to care for him and I want to be the mother of his children!" I exclaim.

My mother's fingers are reading my face while Dad is patting her shoulder to reassure her that Peter didn't flinch at the mention of a family.

Dad sighs deeply. "Son, I love you, you know that. But there are certain dangers involved, just because you are who you are. You have many enemies."

He suddenly addresses me: "Are you fully aware of this?"

I nod and Mom answers in my place. "How could she not be? She's been in the hospital for hours every time Peter got beaten up!"

Dad walks to his desk and takes some papers out.

"Do you remember the conversation we had approximately a year after you came to live with us and had settled in?"

"How could I forget? You most generously offered to adopt me and I refused because at that time I thought that keeping my name was the last thing that made people remember my father."

Dad nods. "Well, the papers are ready. It takes only your signature and you will instantly be Peter Blaisdell!" He gestures with them.

Peter doesn't hesitate. He walks to the desk and signs the documents.

"And what do you want to do for a living?" Asks Dad; just like in the old romances when the fiancée to be was interrogated by his future in-laws.

Peter suddenly smiles wholeheartedly. "I want to go back to the precinct and introduce them to the new top team: Paul and Peter Blaisdell!"

Dad lets his mask fall. He laughs with joy and approval. He and mom gather us in a big embrace.

"Be happy, children!" he says and looks into my eyes. "I know you've been in love with him for a very long time. And it took a Blaisdell to get a former Caine to realise it!"

I embrace and deeply kiss my husband to be without any doubts or fear.

Why?

Because a man who loves his family can achieve anything.

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